TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're speaking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historical tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be tremendous. Great!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed through the putting green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the best. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and solely out of position. Built by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A a few-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But Sure, guaranteed, let us have One more position where by American Adult men can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though former negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is less complicated: supply All people a collection on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often soft energy," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have Trump Tower Damascus sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every single unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It is really that he need to stop applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the project, replied, "You already know, guy, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the resort's landscaping types a giant Trump head obvious from Area, a function staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as chin is… effectively, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits just after getting the building's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not merely hideous. It's a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Confusing Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest ingredient from the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends could ponder obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Method: "In the event you Bomb It, They'll Appear"


The advertisement marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Forever."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "wherever's the closest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is presently attracting focus from international traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll acquire 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree may also contain:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait to determine a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a hotel exactly where my PTSD might have switch-down support."


An additional post from @KuwaitiKardashian merely requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reports propose:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to construct a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide formed much like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You might be welcome."

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